Have you ever said or done something you regret, and then thought, “I must be a terrible person”?Maybe you hurt someone with your words or actions, even by accident. Instead of thinking, “I made a mistake,” you think, “I am the mistake.”

If that sounds familiar, you’re not alone. A lot of people especially kind, sensitive ones, struggle with this. They mix up their mistakes with their identity. But here’s the truth:

Why We Feel Like We Are the Mistake

1. We want to be good. If you care deeply about others, hurting someone can make you feel like you’ve failed as a person—not just in that moment, but at your core.
   
2. Someone made you feel like you were the problem.
   It hurts when a friend, partner, or family member responds to your mistake with blame, criticism, or silence. Instead of focusing on your actions, they attack your character—and that can leave deep scars. Over time, you start to believe them: “Maybe I really am the problem.”
   
3. You grew up blaming yourself. Maybe as a child, you were made to feel like everything was your fault. That can lead to a pattern where every mistake feels like proof that you’re not good enough.
   
4. You have too much empathy and not enough for yourself. You feel deeply when others are hurt, but you forget that you also deserve grace.

Talk to Yourself Like Someone You Love

Most of us are kind to the people we love, gentle with our kids, patient with our friends, and understanding when someone makes a mistake. But when it comes to ourselves? We flip the script. Suddenly the standards are higher. The voice is harsher. The grace disappears. It’s a common pattern: many hold double standards—one for others, and a colder, more critical one for themselves.

I used to hold double standards—kind to others, but harsh with myself. Becoming a parent changed that. When my kids messed up, I calmed and guided them with love. One day, I realized: Why don’t I treat myself the same way?

Now, when I face a moment of regret or self-doubt, I imagine I’m speaking to my inner child—the part of me still learning, still growing, still deserving of kindness. I choose to treat myself the way I would treat one of my children. And that changes everything.

It doesn’t make mistakes disappear, but it makes healing possible. It turns self-blame into self-trust. So the next time you’re tempted to tear yourself down, pause. Picture yourself as a child or a friend or someone whom you value. Then ask:
What would I say to them? And say it to yourself.