Have you ever caught yourself waiting for someone to tell you that you made the right decision, that you look good, or that you’re doing enough? Many people experience this, and research shows it tends to show up even more strongly in women due to social expectations and conditioning. The need for external approval is a deeply universal human experience—and at some point, it touches every single one of us.

And when you’re used to relying on others to validate your choices, you might eventually feel stuck, unsure of what to do next without someone else’s approval or praise.

Why do we seek external approval?

We’re wired for social belonging: Humans have evolved to survive in groups. Thousands of years ago, being accepted was a matter of life or death. Even though we no longer rely on tribes for survival, our brains still respond to acceptance and rejection as if they were threats or rewards.

This is why:

• Praise feels like safety
• Disapproval feels like danger

Our nervous system hasn’t fully updated to modern life.

Childhood Conditioning Shapes Our Validation Patterns: From a young age, we learn that approval brings love, attention, and praise. Whether it’s good grades, polite behavior, or meeting expectations, we internalize the idea that approval = worthiness. If love felt conditional growing up, this pattern becomes even stronger in adulthood.

Society reinforces comparison and judgment:
We live in a culture where:

• Success is measured publicly
• Social media quantifies our worth through numbers
• People display only polished versions of their lives

It’s no wonder we often turn outward to see if we’re “good enough.”

External Approval Feels Like Confirmation: When we’re uncertain about ourselves, we look outside for validation. Hearing “You’re doing great” or “I’m proud of you” can be grounding—especially when our internal voice isn’t yet kind or confident. This external confirmation feels like truth, even though it’s subjective.

How the need for approval affects us

The desire for approval isn’t inherently bad, humans are social by nature, and caring about how we affect others is part of building meaningful connections. But when approval becomes necessary for us to feel good about ourselves or confident in our choices, it can create deeper challenges, such as:

• Overthinking even simple decisions
• Avoiding risks or new experiences
• Changing who we are just to fit in
• Fear of judgment or rejection
• Difficulty saying “no”
• Feeling emotionally dependent on praise
• Constantly shifting careers or goals because the lack of praise makes you feel like your path isn’t ‘good enough’

Signs you may be relying too much on external approval

You might be approval-dependent if you:

• Feel anxious or unsettled when others disagree with you
• Constantly seek reassurance before making choices
• Avoid posting, speaking up, or taking action until it feels completely “safe”
• Worry excessively about being liked or accepted
• Need praise to feel confident or validated
• Change your goals or plans before even giving them a chance—simply because someone else didn’t approve or didn’t seem excited about them

Recognizing these patterns is not a flaw—it’s self-awareness. And self-awareness is always the first, most powerful step toward lasting change.